10 brilliant Eddie Izzard quotes

December 23, 2013


1. I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

2. As long as they’re homophobic behind closed doors, and don’t hurt anyone, I’m fine with it.

3. But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world?


4. But then the Roman Empire fell like this- “oh damn”. And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Dark period. Where everyone was going -“er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?” Then there was The Dark Ages.” I can’t even see you! Where are you?””

5. And the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!” That’s not going to kill too many people, is it? You’d have to have a really dodgy heart to have that…kill you.

6. ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, “Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!” So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the… wood on the cross.

Well, you tell me! It’s got nothing to do with chocolate, has it?

British Comedy Awards

7. So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them – France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for damn all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

8. And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days.

They were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there…

A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.””

9. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for…

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10. So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! How naïve can you get?

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